


Day of Fools

by aimasup



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: ANGST???!!, An excuse to vent some thoughts I had but also a cute scenario I want the crew to have, April Fools' Day, Attempt at Humor, British Black Hat, Flug needs to take a chill pill, Gen, German Flug, Humor, Mexican Dementia, Rated T for swearing, Surprise Ending, Swearing, This is DUMB, Violence, angst???, black hat is an extravagant piece of ass, nah, the hero OCs are very minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 10:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19462285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimasup/pseuds/aimasup
Summary: Dr. Flug and Dementia's April Fools' Day takes a turn for the absolute worst as news of Black Hat being arrested sends the mood into a downward spiral. The manor will never be the same again........?





	Day of Fools

Flug snickered quietly to himself as he set the final touches on the laser motion sensor. He had spent all night and the afternoon yesterday for this one moment, and he hoped that it would work out. He told 5.0.5 where all the traps were in advance because although his creation couldn't actually perish, Flug couldn't bear seeing his baby hurt in any way.

Flug thought that pun aloud and his childish giggling turned into laughter. He guffawed loudly, slapped his leg, then himself. _No!_ No! He was a civilized member of villain society! A respected mad scientist! What was he doing, laughing over a stupid play on words and setting up pranks over a petty holiday!

He grumbled quietly, looking around at the seemingly harmless hallway that led to his lab, which was in fact, actually chock full of mechanisms and ferocious machinery that would kill a regular person. What was he doing? Black Hat gives him one day off a year and he spends it like a mischievous grade-schooler. How childish.

Then Flug thought about vivisecting Dementia's paralyzed, shrieking body and made his final decision. Revenge was revenge and today was the perfect day to do so. Not childish at all, no, just some dastardly justice to be served for the thumbtacks in his cryobed.

He reached up to his goggles and pressed a hidden button at the side with a pen-like click, and all the deadly traps were revealed to him in bright red. Flug blessed his profound intellect for the umpteenth time that day and slowly, nervously made his way back to his lab.

The plane doors slid open and shut with heavy hissing. An adorable mound of bright blue lifted its head and greeted its father with a happy grunt.

" _Hello, sonny!_ My little blueberry pie, mein liebling, der Nachkomme!" Flug ran forth and plummeted his face into the fluffy warmth, arms spread open fruitlessly because 5.0.5 was too big to hug fully now. He breathed in the smell of fresh grass and citrus and laughed, scratching 5.0.5 behind the ear and under the chin.

5.0.5 thumped his stubby tail cheerfully, unused to seeing Flug so happy but not unwelcoming it. "Baww!"

"I know! It's fool-proof! Aren't I the smartest, Fives? Dementia is sure to lose the prank war this year!"

"Baw?"

Flug pulled himself off, breathless and immediately missing the warm fur, but he knew that look on 5.0.5's face. "Oh! Oh no, nonono, don't worry, she won't be hurt! It's a little joke, that's it! Remember the pie you threw?"

"Brw."

"It's just like that. A little mischief never did anyone any harm, 5.0.5. Come on now!" Flug patted him on the back, moving his latex gloves through the fur in circles after that.

"I've made you cookies and milk. Just read a book or draw or something, mkay? Listen to some music. I'll be watching the security feed for the morning. Join you later."

Flug pointed at the very far end of the lab, where there was a nice little den with bean bags and plush toys, along with an MP3 player, headphones, blankets, pillows, neatly stacked blank papers, fairy tale books, crayons and a plate of chocolate chip cookies with a warm glass of milk next to it. A child's palace. 5.0.5's perfect distraction for the rest of the day.

5.0.5 gave a happy squeal, great big paws to his cheeks, then gave Flug a bone-crushing hug, nuzzling him. He bounded off.

 _"Love you too,"_ wheezed Flug.

He staggered over to the security feeds of the sections he was allowed to survey in the manor. Dozens upon dozens of green-tinted monitors surrounded the desk like an ominous cavern. 

He grabbed a ready-made plate of his breakfast and set it on the small table in front of him. Flug sank back in his wheeled chair, spinning a bit and cracking his knuckles eagerly. A mad grin on his face, he awaited a certain neon wench to enter the fray.

Fkug sipped his coffee, prepared just the way he liked it. Not rushed so that he only could down the bitter black substance as a desperate means of getting caffeine in his system, but with two spoonfuls of sugar and a heavy dash of cream.

5.0.5 scribbled away in the corner, headphones over his ears and out of sight. Alone with his creations and genius, ready to spring into action. A successful commercial recently released. The crisp morning, peaceful in his cool-aired lab. The luxury of it all made him dizzy. Days like this were so rare and --

A sudden cascade of ice-cold water drenched Flug violently, earning a comical jolt and a loud scream from him. He sat, body frozen in a grimace, wide-eyed as he tried to comprehend what just happened.

Dementia cackled from above the monitors. "Hola, Flugsie! Nice day, huh?"

She reached down and snagged a thick, heavy, buttered honey pancake from Flug's plate and rolled it up. She ate it like a burrito, her hands sticky from the syrup. The bucket she carried was tossed to the ground, the sound of wet plastic against tiles clattering.

Flug was so still one could mistake him for a statue caught in the rain. His paper bag was soaked and his coffee was fucking ruined. He almost forgot to blink. 

Flug's left eye twitched. The cup in his hand crumpled and he thrust his hands behind his back, face inches from Dementia in a manner disturbingly similar to Black Hat. 

"WHY?! WHY DID YOU EVADE IT?! HOW DID YOU EVADE IT?! I SPENT HOURS AND HOURS JUST TOILING AWAY YOU INSUFFERABLE REPTILLIAN BRAT, I PUT MORE EFFORT INTO ATTEMPTING MURDER ON FUCKING APRIL 1ST AND YOU JUST DUMP A BUCKET OF 5 DEGREES CELCIUS WATER ON ME LIKE THAT?!" 

A vein throbbed in his neck. Dementia shrugged. "Well, yeah."

_"UNBELIEVABLE! UN, -BELIEVABLE, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! A DISGRACE TO MY INVENTIONS, TO BE OUTSMARTED BY A WOMAN WHO HONEST TO GOD BELIEVES THAT THE EARTH GOES AROUND THE SUN, THAT BIRDS SECRETLY RUN A KELLIE'S FRIED CHICKIES GLOBAL AGENCY!! YOU --"_

"Honestly man, I thought you'd be freaking out more about the leeches."

"WHAT -- _what_... what leeches?" 

Dementia pointed, tongue stuck out between her lips absent-mindedly. She shovelled down another pancake as Flug turned to investigate the peculiar feeling on his back that he'd been neglecting due to his tirade. He lifted up his shirt. 

_"OH MY GOD!!"_

_________________________________________________

Flug was dry, clean and very, very unhappy in one of the living rooms. Having disabled all his hard work, he opted for a relaxing day of binge watching television and being spiteful towards Dementia.

He still couldn't believe that all she did was go invisible and hide in his lab since yesterday. The amount of dedication that lizard girl had towards annoying him was almost impressive. 

Dementia was still cackling and eating her spider and mustard cheese sandwich. Flug tried not to look at her or breathe in the scent of her brunch. 

"So fine. Alright. You've won today. Are you happy? Any other devious traps I should know about?" 

Dementia crunched on a small, black leg. She giggled. "Nope! I'm saving the best for Black Hat." 

Flug's heart rate picked up speed so fast and suddenly that he almost keeled over from the force of it. "Oh god." 

"Oh god indeed, nerd. He can't help you now. "

"Oh god, oh no. I -- how could I have forgotten about him? Oh, oh my god I think I'm going to --" 

Dementia smiled, showing all her teeth. "And what are you going to do against Black freaking Hat? Tell me." 

Flug wheezed, panicked, hunched over on the couch. Black Hat was a walking nightmare all by himself, but somehow that seemed to double on either April Fool's Day or goddamn Halloween. Flug had to take specially-made pills to stop having traumatic flashbacks over the last year. 

What he was going to do on Halloween was usually more or less obvious, but on April 1st? It was always unpredictable, so much that it was always scary. Flug cradled himself into a fetal position, hugging a pillow. 

Dementia took his share of popcorn and rolled her eyes. "I swear, dude, if you start sucking your thumb." 

Flug shot up. "How can you be so calm about this?! He tries to get you too!"

Dementia laughed around a mouthful of his popcorn. "Yeah! He recognizes gender equality! Isn't that chivalrous of him? He's such a gentleman..." she sighed dreamily.

"Replacing your tampons with silverfish loosely wrapped in sandpaper isn't gentlemanly, Dementia."

"I didn't stuff them up my vag, Flug, I'm not an idiot! And that _was_ gentlemanly! You have to agree that a guy who gets ladies new pets would classify as a cute catch. Maybe you should take some dating advice from him."

Flug groaned and slumped back. He tried to think of anything but sandpaper silverfish tampons or   
Black Hat dating someone. Black Hat dating someone... Black Hat...

Flug frowned. "Where is he, by the way?"

"Hattie? Oh, he's probably out burning a homeless shelter or three. Nothing much to worry about, nerd, can't a man get out of the house every now and then?"

Flug scrunched his face up at the awful nickname Dementia gave their dark lord and employer. But although her explanation was surprisingly reasonable, he still felt something was off. 

"Dementia, the paintings are still."

Dementia stopped fantasizing about her wedding day and looked at him. The popcorn was somehow gone. "Uh, yeah? That's what paintings kinda do, don't they?"

"No, Dementia, the paintings aren't looking at us. They're actually just regular pieces of art."

Dementia dawned on this and the realization hit her like the slowest steamroller in existence. They turned towards the back of the room to face a particularly large portrait of Black Hat, where he was posing handsomely and draped in priest clothes, looking coyly at the painter.

The eye wasn't staring back at them. It was just a painted pupil. Oil on canvas and no more.

Flug didn't move his gaze. "Dementia. Turn on the television."

Dementia scrambled for the remote and clicked on the button, catching on to what Flug wanted to do. She yanked him next to her and they both watched the screen with bated breaths. 

The news was on. 

Flug shook his head in disbelief. Dementia held a hand to her mouth, surpressing a small scream as her eyes teared up in fury and sadness. 

Black Hat was led through a jeering and cheering crowd, heavy knee-high metal clamps on his legs. His coat was off, and his arms were pinned to his side as most of his torso had a thick titanium clamp over it. An equally thick neck piece that extended to his collarbone and shoulders blinked green. Heavy chains linked to the torso piece were held by six heavy bodyguards, and two slightly smaller ones on opposite sides of his neck piece held by two more. A metal muzzle was on his face.

His head was held high. From the way his eyes were crinkling and half-lidded, he was definitely smiling. 

The two employees in the manor barely heard the reporter's dialogue, but they finally did. 

"... can't believe it either, dearest, dearest citizens! Black Hat, the Black Hat, a cosmic threat and a force of indestructible pure evil for billions and billions of years, has finally been caught and arrested, on April 1st 2019. No, viewers, this isn't a prank. A month long holiday has begun from today onwards, and we can rest out hearts easy now that the largest threat anyone can think of has been successfully subdued. And you won't believe who did it! A rookie hero who simply goes by Penelope... "

_________________________________________________

The poor girl shook like anything under Black Hat's unblinking gaze. 

" Looking for this, hero?" He held up a yowling child by the scruff, crying for his mother. She gasped and stepped forward, then back. Why hadn't he killed the boy yet?

Penelope knew of Black Hat and the very essence of horror that he was. She knew what exactly she was dealing with. But still, with a great thundering in her chest, Penelope knew she had to do the right thing. She raised an arm and aimed her palm at Black Hat. 

His grin widened and he raised an eyebrow. 

Penelope shrieked in horror, stumbling back but firing anyways. She didn't know what happened. This is where she died. She failed to save the boy, she was a fool to set out for the hero course without proper training, her parents were right... 

She opened an eye from her position on the ground. Then both of them, which widened. She took in a gasp. 

It was as if the world was in slow motion. Black Hat had dropped his grin, and he had let go of the boy. Both of the humans stared as he fell backwards, clutching the left side of his face with an unspoken emotion of horror and disbelief. 

He tripped and his back hit the alleyway wall, sliding down with a groan. He took a shaking hand off his face. Blood ran down from the cracked glass of his monocle. 

Penelope was overwhelmed by what she had done and what was happening before her. Then her brain finally kicked in. She scooped up the child and backed away from Black Hat, shushing and comforting him. She let him go, let him run away to find his mother. 

A quick, scare eye darted back to the dark being on the ground. She yelled at the top of her lungs.

_"I-I've got Black Hat! Someone help! He's down! T-this isn't a joke, please, come down, please! Help! He's right here, please, come help me! It's actually him!"_

Mere seconds passed and policemen came running, calls were made, a couple heroes came to the scene...

Penelope's vision blurred and she sank to her knees, trembling. Someone asked her if she was ok, ma'am, can you stand? but she barely heard due to the sudden ringing in her ears. She fainted in shock. 

Black Hat was hefted to his feet after a punch to the stomach to ensure submission, a tactic only used with the worse lot of criminals. Murmurs of disbelief sounded and many faces looked him over as his coat was shed and the officers shackled him. 

"His monocle? How didn't anyone guess that? Was it an accident?" 

"He's lived for years, of course they did. Maybe they just couldn't get to it before he flattened them in less than a minute."

"Well, his pride brought him down in the end. Everything stops eventually."

"Might as well call him an 'it', George, do you have any idea what kinds of things Black Hat has done?" 

Black Hat was shoved up against the wall roughly. First and foremost, the neck device was hastily shoved on his shoulders and he felt something stab into his spine and take root. 

"Black Hat, you have the right to remain silent. The collaring device is in place, and any hint of struggle will be met with its activation."

The abomination beneath the slightly shaking officer spat a wad of blood into the concrete and smiled. He took a shaky breath. "Why, Desmond! I'd no idea you like it rough. How about you let me out of this thing and I'll make your death quick."

His arms were tight against his side with the titanium torso clamp. It required two men to heft and secure it. The chains clanked. 

"I don't think you understand, Black Hat," he spat. "You. Are. Under. Arrest." 

He pressed down a hand on the back of Black Hat's clad neck. He squeezed. "Now stop. Talking." 

Black Hat tittered. "Isn't that what your Sheila said so that I wouldn't get you too?" 

Desmond gave a cry and delivered a hard kick to the side. Black Hat burst out in a painful wheeze but still smiled. The officer kicked again, and the bodyguards made no move to stop him. They only placed a hand on his shoulder. 

Black Hat was pulled to his feet by the chains and the muzzle was last. He was walked out into the streets. 

"Well well well. A parade? You shouldn't have, mayor." He crooned happily under his breath. 

_________________________________________________

"... appears to be in a languid state of denial. He's going willingly, but that really doesn't make him any less deserving of what he gets today. Every president in every country has recently arrived here, invited to provide speeches and witness Black Hat's death sentence tomorrow... "

All three of the manor residents had gathered in front of the reporter's beaming face behind the screen. Flug was gobsmacked. Utterly, completely gobsmacked.

" No, no no, no, oh no, this..." Flug ran a hand over his bag. It crinkled. "This can't be happening, oh my god..."

Dementia was completely still. She hadn't moved in the slightest.

5.0.5 covered his eyes and whimpered on the floor.

They watched the events fold out onscreen as the world rejoiced.

_________________________________________________

Black Hat laughed as the controlled shock started again. 

The people watching him from above in the humongous circular room whispered and frowned. Black Hat could hear every word, more or less, thanks to the intercoms all around him so that they could converse through twelve-inch glass, more than ten meters above. 

Inducing enough pain to ensure full submission and weakening. Practical for breaking of spirit, fruitless repenting and making easier to be locked up.

This was yet another tactic used on only the worst kind of villains. Greatly discouraged, but they could make an exception in his case.

Black Hat was so flattered he chuckled giddily. Another long round of pain wracked his body. He arched violently as he burst out in more hysterical laughter that grew louder as it intensified. 

One of the humans looked away. "That's enough, please. Let go of the dial."

Human number two reluctantly laid the device on the table. Others scribbled down notes and whispered amongst themselves. How rude. 

Black Hat was already kneeling, chains keeping him in place from all sides of the room, the walls so far from him that he could only see the chains disappear into the navy darkness. His calves were bolted to the ground. 

The personal beating felt like he was getting mugged. The neck device that triggered his current form's nerve endings made him feel like a test subject. 

It hurt so, so much he could almost feel tears. Black Hat sighed, happy and carefree. 

"I should come back here more often, if I'd knew how authentic the experiences you wonderful wrenches could dish out," he called up to the humans, as if rating a spa treatment. "It's delightful! You may bring me to my room, now. I'm feeling rather exhausted." 

The human that he assumed was in the lead exhaled through her nose. She gritted her teeth.

"Black Hat, we have full control of your situation right now. We can decide the duration of your every doing and happening, and we have rendered you in a way no man throughout history has ever done before. Your fall is in the modern era. You've underestimated humans for far too long. You're finished, done, and that is final."

Blacl Hat tasted the inside of his muzzle. He was rather bored. 

"Just... just bring him out. Be careful." 

They led him out in the torso clamp again, and they went down so many hallways and up so many floors that Black Hat almost yawned. 

He passed villains and criminals alike, who stared at him in bewilderment. The basic cells with televisions and toiletries, the empty padded rooms, then came heavily barred with laser walls. 

His failed clients and past business partners could be seen amongst the more dangerous villains. Some of them glared at him in satisfactory disdain, others in disbelief, and most with sadness for their idol. 

Black Hat was halted in front of an enormous metal wall with a thick wheel lock. A muscular man strained to turn it, but he did in the end. The wall opened up with a heavy grinding, to reveal a second layer that required a key code. 

_Oh dear,_ Black Hat thought, _it's one of those. This is going to take a while._

Locks, bars, gates, ten-digit codes, sliding titanium borders, until they finally came to a bright green laser wall that they disabled with a twelve-digit code, a swipe card and a fingerprint scan. 

Blacl Hat rolled his eyes. "Finally. Christ's sake, that was at least twenty layers. But it's good to see you have so much confidence in me, I do appreciate it!" 

As he spoke, he was shoved into the room and bolted down quick as anything. The cell was completely bare except for the multiple surveillance cameras and tranquilizers on the ceiling aimed at him.

The neck device was linked to the side walls of the cell with two chains, and another torso clamp trapped his whole body to the wall. Leg clamps extended up to almost fully cover his legs and were bolted to the wall plus floor. 

All used titanium, supernatural charms and heavy screws. The cell was small enough to be called a display case if anyone could see him thought the doors. 

He was promptly left alone. Black Hat knew he couldn't move at all. An unseen speaker crackled. 

"Black Hat, you are to be executed tomorrow. All the lead heroes of every major headquarters in all the countries would like to have a word or more with you."

Black Hat tilted his head. "Really? How kind. Aren't I the worst of the worst? A highly lucid danger that shouldn't be tended to? What's with all the attention, I feel like such an honoured guest!" He laughed. 

The sound of several other intercoms crackling could be heard. A stern Russian accent sounded amongst the audible shuffling. 

"First question, Black Hat. Do you have any idea what you are to us?"

"A threat. A force that needs to be rid of. An unsightly abomination that is hell to be with."

"That is true."

"Oh, you flatter me!" 

"That's not it. Let us finish." Ah, this one sounded European. "Black Hat, we haven't immediately executed you yet because we still have a lot to say. You are evil beyond comprehension, and I will assure that bringing us down to such inhumane methods to treat you is necessary. But --" 

Black Hat cut him off with a genuinely humored cackling. If he were more free to move, he would have been doubling over in hysterics. Instead, he threw his head back best he could as the sounds spilled out. The tranquilizers readied in alert. 

" _Oh!_ Oh! That never! That never gets old, oh dear, _'inhumane'!_ I don't think you realize what a human thing you all are doing right now, hero, and what _human_ things every single one of your kind is thinking or doing at this very second!" Black Hat shook, high as a lark on glee.

"I'd give you a good old-fashioned talk on the concept of what you self-entitled dirts believe is morally best, but that would take years just to get through your head!" 

A Mexican hero spoke up this time. "See, that's it! That's why we've decided to spare you until tomorrow! You really have to face the consequences of your actions, but for today, the whole day, we'll hear out your story, why you think this way..." 

Black Hat threw his head back and wheezed again. " _A reason! You pathetic heroes think I would need a reason!_ Well, dear Alejandro," he felt the hero grimace behind the intercom at his real name. 

"I do it because it feels right. Because it's what I have to do as a responsible being." Black Hat sneered out the words behind the muzzle. "Does that sound familiar? What do you think my reason is?" 

"I never get how small you humans believe the multiverse is, to think that good is inherently the only way to do things. The closest you'll ever get to figuring out anyone's way of thinking is black and white and grey, but you always ignore the thousands of other shades in monochrome. I do what I do, because what? Why don't you tell me what satisfaction you get from making other's lives easier? Why don't you let me know why you absolutely refuse to do or think or hear anything that will stain your pure white halos?"

There was a long, long silence from everywhere. 

At least two minutes must have passed. Black Hat awaited their reply patiently.

Finally, the intercoms crackled back to life. The voice of an American hero sounded. 

"There's a way of it. Doing good deeds help others, and can help you find inner peace through their joy. If everyone lives together peacefully, no need for squabbles arise and all will be well. You also will get well-appreciated and accepted."

"Is that so? Well where's the fun in any of that? Enlighten me, heroes, give me a lesson in doing good. Maybe I'll reform after this little therapist session. Tell me why would I want to yearn for anyone's appreciation? When you have the power, you can do anything you want, so you might as well. You can force favors out of them, whether they like it or not. Either way, things get done."

"But that's not it! A society is built on mutual help and acceptance, without any of that it will crumble!"

"There is always an exception for business, Jeremy, I can tell you that."

"Well, surely you must think about how the victim's feeling! What would you do if you were in their place? How would you feel like?"

"If I could feel, of course I'd be in absolute turmoil as the victim! But I'm not, and never will be, and they're the ones who're suffering, and what does that have to do with me? What void will be filled if I make their lives better, hm? Might as well do what I want and what makes me happy, Mei Hua."

"But don't you ever feel...guilty?"

Black Hat burst out in gleeful chuckles again. "You tickle me, Akachi, you're such a riot!"

As he went on, someone tried again. "Black Hat, please, this is your last chance. We've decided to show you mercy despite your literal history of misdeeds. If you tell us what's happening with you, or anything, we might call off the execution."

He actually went silent at that. Black Hat pretended to consider, but really, he's had near eons to think about it. How shallow can humans get? Showing him mercy, as if they didn't know of all the things he's done. It's pitiful.

With a hidden grin, he looked up at the cameras and gave his final answer.

"Widows can go suck ass."

All the intercoms clicked off at once, a sharp harmony that was like a radio being stomped on in a rage.

Seconds passed.

A minute, then two, then three.

At least fifteen minutes went by and the muscular guards were in front of him again, disabling the wall and unbolting him. He was dragged out in the chains. 

The execution had changed schedules. Black Hat was to die that afternoon.  
_________________________________________________

The sudden change of execution plans had the world rejoicing tenfold.

Dementia was being held back by 5.0.5, screaming and clawing at the air. Flug was yelling at the television. 5.0.5 wept, sobbing loudly at the events.

They had already established that going out to save him would do more harm than good, so there was no choice but to stay put and pray. They didn't know what for, but it was over. 

Flug watched in horror as Black Hat was ushered onstage. A public death, to be put down with enough arsenic to kill a blue whale. How much more can they humiliate their name? 

"It will be clean, quick and painless, a modern death to be reserved for the squeamish viewers. Before we begin, we would like to invite President Alison Wilde to give a few words."

Flug shook his head back and forth more rapidly now. "No, nonono, no..." 

Dementia yelled louder, shrieking in primal rage.

5.0.5 howled in anguish. 

The president prattled on and on. At the sidelines, a few doctor had the syringe doses ready. Every word that came out of the woman's mouth was a word closer to the inevitable.

"Shut up, shut up, no, please, stop, no, no, shut up, stop it..." Flug whispered. Trembling hands unconsciously fumbled their way under his shirt. He picked at his scars until they bled.

Without proper back up from the company's CEO, it was like their minds had gone on vacation, cruelly leaving the emotions behind. That many heroes could go up against the Hat-Bots and Dementia and win. The other inventions were far too deep in the manor now to be taken out and activated. 

"...and now, we will give Black Hat one last say to the world. Let's see what he says that will mark one of the very greatest occasions in history."

Flug covered his goggles with bloodied latex gloves and gave a small cry. Dementia had tired herself out, resorting to letting out all her frustrations with small kicks and relentless sobbing. 5.0.5 whimpered and hugged her, and she didn't try to punch back. 

A microphone was lowered from afar cautiously to the muzzle. The crowd was silent. The three manor residents strained to hear their boss's final words through teary eyes. 

Black Hat's eye and monocle were obscured by the brim of his headwear.

Everyone waited. 

They waited some more. 

Nothing but Black Hat's ragged breathing could be heard. He didn't need to breathe before, but they had managed to tether his form to this plane. He had fully accepted his fate. It was finally finished. In the end, the peak of humanity, the golden modern age, was his final bow. 

...

With a maddening smile, Black Hat looked out at the thousands and thousands of humans below him. Leisurely, he said:

"Well, that's enough fun for me today."

Confused whispers and murmurs broke out, which devolved into panicked shouting. Screams and riots began. 

Black Hat disintegrated the muzzle into sizzling ash. The neck device activated, but he melted the titanium restraints and it barely fazed him. He pried it off, humming a tune as the titanium lava flowed down and caused agony to the first row of onlookers.

With a cackle, he swept away the bodyguards and his coat and monocle were whole again. Black Hat stood, every bit as awful as ever. 

Chaos was everywhere, heroes calling left and right to calm down the crowd, the president frozen in place, staring with eyes wider than saucers at the imposing being next to her. Sirens blared, humans were trampled, people behind the screens were just as terrified. None of the supers dared to go near Black Hat unless they wanted a friend dead. 

Black Hat cleared his throat, not needing a microphone but making it reverberate throughout the open square. It shot into everyone's souls, stopping them and piercing their eardrums. The thrum from it could almost be felt even through he television screen.

It was as if time had slowed. Everyone simply stopped moving. 

He strolled over to the microphone with his signature grin. The whole city and nearly the whole world watched in pure horror to see what he would do next. 

Black Hat took the microphone from its stand. "Thank you, dear president!" 

She fainted. He ignored her and continued on. 

"That was a lovely speech, wasn't it? I really, really deserved this day, I'm so touched that you all arranged this for me! It was so enjoyable, and I think I even learned a few more things about human stupidity, which I really didn't think was possible. Let's give our heroes a hand, shall we?"

No one moved or made a noise. 

"Huh, touche. Oh well, I don't think they deserve it either. That's one thing we all have in common now!" 

One person in the sea of silent, stark-white faces hid a small snort. Whoever that was, he was to spend the rest of his now-ruined life shunned by society and everyone he knew. Black Hat exhaled contentedly at the thought. He turned to face the crowd again. 

"All in all, this has been a very enlightening experience. I hope it has been for you all too."

He leaned forward, the brim of his hat casting a shadow across his face and his shit-eating grin. 

_"Happy April 1st, cunts."_

Black Hat gallantly swept his namesake off his head and bowed, before disappearing into thin air. 

Panicked and confused screaming was left in his wake as the chaos ensued. 

_________________________________________________

Flug thought he was going to die of a heart attack right then and there.

He keeled over, slinging an arm over the couch side and letting the rest of his top half dangle over the front, groaning wretchedly. Dementia sank back and practically melded into the couch. Both of them were wheezing like broken squeaky toys.

Black Hat appeared behind them, a little disappointed to find them unresponsive but not surprised. He threw his head back and cackled again.

" _Hahahaaa!_ Look at them go! They'll be at it for weeks and weeks!"

Indeed, the television was nothing but a noisy blur right now. It appeared the camera man was getting caught in a stampede.

Flug didn't move from his spot. Weakly, he managed to say, _"S-sir...oh my god...t-that was... so, s-so cruel...."_

Dementia wailed openly. "Bon-bon, I love you, but do you have any idea what you just did to us? Please don't scare me like that again!"

5.0.5 trumped up softly next to Black Hat, paws on his hips and tears in his eyes. He 'haruumphed' unhappily and sniffled. 

"Oh, so now you're the boss, bear? You get to decide who dies and who doesn't? Might I remind you," he turned to his wrecks of underlings sprawled on the couch, "that I could care less about your feelings. And I certainly don't give a damn about how you'll be like if I do get offed."

Black Hat looked over them disapprovingly. "I didn't think it would be this, to be fair. You have yet again defied my expectations and went beyond normal fleeting disappointment." 

Dementia spoke up. "Please don't say that, bon-bon, I do actually love you."

"Flug, what's your excuse for not celebrating and stealing all the champagne in the manor while you're at it? The bear has a reason, it feels love for anything within a few hundred acres around it. You?" 

"I-I really don't know, sir. It just seems like such a huge shame that someone as great as you would just come to an end like that." 

"True. At least it's not actual care for me, doctor, I'll acknowledge that."

Flug desperately hoped Black Hat couldn't read minds. He probably could, but not now of all times, please, not now. 

He shakily sat up and cleared his throat. "W-well sir, you've outdone yourself this year once more. S-successfully traumatized us all over again."

Black Hat tittered. "What are you talking about, Flug? We've still half the day left, don't we?" 

Flug, Dementia and 5.0.5 all stared at him. Slowly but surely, he melded back into the shadows. His dark laughter echoed around the room, filling them with dread. 

"Take the day off. I mean it. Enjoy the whole remaining hours you have, and don't let any _distractions_ pull you down."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are appreciated.


End file.
